Friday, August 26, 2011

Contains Strong Language and Graphic Violence

       It began in the morning.

       I was preparing for work, the fog of slumber still in my brain, as I went to transfer my laundry from the washer to the dryer. I moved the hamper, opened the washing machine, then the door to the dryer. No sooner did I get the door open than a hideous fiend leapt from the underside of the machine and into the lint trap. A wretched cockroach, one and a half, perhaps two mighty inches in length!

       Time stopped. My breathing stopped, and my heart stopped, and all was still. I'm pretty sure I went blind out of terror. What to do? It was clearly visible within the lint of the dryer trap, but I certainly couldn't get at it with a shoe. I daren't come so close with a wad of paper towels, and I had no poison. As the seconds ticked by I realized my options were few and my time even less; I had to get to work.

       In the evening, I returned home to get ready for class. I had mercifully forgotten my plight until I walked in and glanced toward the kitchen. Reluctantly, I entered the laundry room and reached for the door. Upon opening, I discovered the thing had been in the lint trap all day, and it proceeded to retreat into the drum of the dryer.
       Well, shit.
       I doused the inside with disinfectant spray, shut the door again and left, unwilling to deal with the thing just then.
       After class, I returned once again, and waited for the boyfriend. I had peeked inside the dryer and had not seen it, but was unwilling to reach my hand in blindly and wind up losing it. When he arrived, I informed him of the situation and handed him a wad of paper towels.

       He reached in and felt around, nothing. He stuck his head in (heart of a lion!) and looked, but could not find it.
       "I don't know where it is, but it isn't in here. Must've gotten out somehow."
       Then, in a single low breath, he leaned in and said:
       "It'll probably come for you now."

        The next workday came and went and I decided to disinfect the inside of the dryer and finally get my laundry done. I inspected the inside thoroughly, rotated the drum, and felt around with paper towels as I disinfected it. The last thing I wanted was to pull a garment out of the dryer and have the horrid monstrosity come flying out at me, or to find a bit of it in a shirt I'm wearing. Once it was satisfactorily clean, I loaded the now re-washed clothes and went about the rest of my evening.

       I awoke with a deep grogginess, as though induced by a dose of cold medicine. When I was finally able to get myself out of bed and moving, I realized I had been working on the same load of laundry for almost a week and was running low. I opened the dryer. A rag fell out onto the floor. I reached in and grabbed a black summer dress. As I pulled it out of the dryer my greatest nightmares were all realized at once. The heinous thing came flying out of the dress and hit the floor with a sickening crunch, it's body dry and hot.
       After I stopped sobbing I dropped the dress to the floor and retreated. There it still sits, dead at last, and waiting for me to come home and suck it into it's dusty vacuum grave. I may burn it's remains before I do, just to be safe.

Fucking thing is like the Jason Voorhees of cockroaches.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Hurricane Preparedness

Irene gonna mess you up
       With Irene lurking off the coast like so many ghastly Nosferatu incarnates, it's important to have a solid plan. You have to prioritize and get everything set well before the hurricane is to hit. My plan at this point consists mostly of making sure I have a stock of red wine (you're supposed to drink it warm!), some manner of food stuff (Doritos) and a pile of fully-charged electronics devices, to be used ONE AT A TIME. Oh, and some candles. A SH*T TON of candles. Also a palette of anti-bacterial wipes.
       Basically I'm going to hide, alternatively watching Home Movies and playing Ocarina of Time 3D until I pass out from either wine or terror.

I feel like it's a pretty solid plan, but I'm interested to hear what everyone else is doing.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Internet Memes: Why Little Pony?

       There have thus far been four incarnations of Hasbro's My Little Pony franchise, the original series from the 80's, a low-key release in 1997 (it's primary claim to fame was a computer game), a re-vamp done in 2003, and the most current version Lauren Faust's My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. You may know Lauren Faust from her work on The Powerpuff Girls and Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends- if not you ought to check them both out.
Art © Sarah Hendricks, Character © Hasbro
       Although it was originally targeted at young girls, the latest version of My Little Pony has taken on a life all it's own, spawning countless internet memes and even gaining it's own section of memebase and 4chan.This isn't surprising, given Ms. Faust's status as an occasional 4chan'r.
       In fact, the most steadfast demographic enjoying the show seems to be men in their 20's and 30's known as "bronies"- bro + pony, get it? Although the term "brony" now tends to refer to any fan outside the key age range the show was intended for (yo).
       But what has made the show such a success among the older crowd? Visually, the show is stunning, the artwork is crisp and bright, and basically just fun to look at. The show's moral sensibility and solid writing are also attributed to it's success among young adults, and there also seem to be a handful of moments aimed more at an adult sense of humor (read: Derpy Hooves). Those factors, combined with the show's huge ensemble cast, seem to all play into it's booming popularity.

So, who's your favorite pony?

Monday, August 8, 2011

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (SPOILERS?)

This poster is horrible.
       So let me preface this by saying I wasn't really planning on seeing this film, not in the theater at least. But a group of us were going and the options became The Change-Up (for some goddamn reason) and this, so there you are. To be fair though I think putting James Franco next to anything will make it look like a genius. HOWEVER, Andy Serkis did the motion capture for Caesar so there's that.
       Which is not to suggest that I went in determined to hate this movie. I think after that Mark Wahlberg mess one can only improve. There seemed to be some unnecessary plot holes, for example the increased intelligence of most of the apes was explained but there was one scene where they storm the zoo and the zoo chimps, with whom this is first contact by the lab chimps, inexplicably gain an understanding of spear usage and military formation tactics. It was such a pointless plot hole, and seemed to only exist out of laziness. I also wondered about the speech that started happening about an hour in. I get that the increased cognitive abilities could lead to an understanding of complex language, but would the vocal chords still be able to form words as perfectly as Caesar does by the end of the movie? I don't think so, but I may actually be incorrect. I'd be interested to find out if anyone has any clue.
       The film also had a lot of nods to the originals, some good, like the newspaper articles about the space crew that would return some 2000 years later. There were a lot of lines from the first one used which, while initially mildly clever, eventually became tired and annoying.

So, here's the break down:
Good Things:
  • Andy Serkis
  • The first 30 minutes of the film.
  • Someone is maimed by a gorilla as the helicopter they're in crashes.
Bad Things:
  • Pointless plot holes
  • Tom Felton's horrendous American accent
  • Use of the line "Get your paws off me you damn dirty apes!" (yes, yes you CAN make a PotA movie without that line)
  • Everything else
NOTE: To be fair, we probably do a great deal more bad British accents than they do American ones. But still, Malfoy is a dick.